Announcement

Our favorite alley cat, Tiggi, has been welcomed to the household:


Stanley Wood Greets Tiggi.
After the vet pronounced Tiggi free of any contagious diseases and determined him a non- health hazard to Stanley Wood, we decided it would be ok to intervene on his behalf. He has since had his ears cleaned (which is cat lady jargon for receiving his vaccinations) and after one week of Sandra's special cat diet, his missing fur patches are already growing back.

The length of his stay here is as yet uncertain; but for the present time, he is boarding here as Jonnie's & Sandra's welcome guest.

Feel free to say "Hi" in the comments and we Sandra will read them to him.

***

EDIT:


Jonnie and Tiggi

Tiggi and Mr Stanley Wood taking a nap on the bed

The Great Anna Nicole Smith Bandana Swindle

On our last day in Germany, Anna Nicole Smith (ANS) was finally buried and we both thought it was about time.

You can say what you want about ANS's flakiness, which was always immensely enjoyable; but really, she didn't seem to have a bad bone in her body. Jonnie and Sandra both enjoy ANS interviews and we both lamented her sudden death.

On our flight back to America, Sandra stumbled across this photograph in a German gossip magazine -


ANS with Bandana.
The bandana ANS is wearing in this photograph matches a bandana recently purchased by Jonnie at a Santa Ana 99 Cent Only store -

Jonnie with Same Bandana.
On our drive home from work a few weeks ago, Jonnie turned down the radio and suddenly initiated the following dialog -

Jonnie: Hey! Guess what I'm going to do?
Sandra: What??
Jonnie: I'm going to sell my bandana on eBay as Anna Nicole Smith's bandana!
Sandra: You can't do that!
Jonnie: Why not??
Sandra: It's fraud!
Jonnie: No it isn't!
Sandra: It is too!!
Jonnie: A lot of stuff on eBay is fraudulent.
Sandra: Yes, but you don't want to be a fraud too.
Jonnie: I'm not a fraud, I just want to sell that bandana.
Sandra: Well, you can sell the bandana, you just can't claim it belonged to Anna Nicole Smith.
Jonnie: Maybe I won't even claim it was actually Anna Nicole Smith's bandana.
Sandra: [silence]
Jonnie: I'll say, "A bandana like the one worn by Anna Nicole Smith", then post the photo.
Sandra: That would be okay.
[long pause]
Jonnie: Nobody would buy it though.
Sandra: No.
[long pause]
Jonnie: What if I never claim it was her bandana, but call it Jonnie's Anna Nicole Smith Bandana?
Sandra: You would have to note somewhere that is is not Anna Nicole Smith's actual bandana.
Jonnie: I never claimed it was her bandana in the first place!
Sandra: You suggested it!
Jonnie: How about - For Sale: This bandana which is exactly like the one worn by Anna Nicole Smith in this photograph.
Sandra: I don't have a problem with that.
Jonnie: It won't sell though.
Sandra: No.
Jonnie: God damn it!
[pause]
Jonnie: I have a dream!
Sandra: You've been planning this all day, haven't you?
Jonnie: Since 8:00am! I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget! [produces a scrap of paper with handwritten text which reads, Put ANS bandana on eBay!]
Sandra: Ha Ha Ha Ha !! You don't want to swindle people!
Jonnie: OK - Anna Nicole Smith's bandana, then the picture of ANS wearing the bandana. Then a picture of my bandana which is captioned, The actual bandana.
Sandra: No!
Jonnie: OK - the caption would say AN actual bandana. Not THE actual...
Sandra: No!!
Jonnie: A SIMILAR bandana...
Sandra: That's fine.
Jonnie: It won't sell.
Sandra: No.
Jonnie: OK - MY ANS Bandana. Then a picture of ANS wearing the bandana. With NO caption.
Sandra: [shakes head]
Jonnie: I just want to put it on eBay. It only cost me 99 cents.
Sandra: Don't put it on eBay.
Jonnie: God damn it.

This is probably the closest we've ever come to a serious argument.

March Summary

Events which have occurred since Jonnie & Sandra's return to America
(copied from notes in Jonnie's day calendar)

We picked up Stanley Wood from the cat sitter and received free cat furniture. Sandra continued to work at Jonnie's workplace. Jonnie took on a ton of evening and weekend hours from the library which cut into gym time. Our nextdoor neighbor had the police called on him at 3:00am and they knocked on our door by mistake. Sandra got a stomach ache. We watched the Inside Deep Throat documentary. Rodney Bingenheimer received a star on Hollywood's Walk-Of-Fame. We ate in restaurants in numerous locations and on many occasions. We bought clothes. We found a local Dollar Tree and bought multiple jars of sun dried tomatos. We ate pizza. We found a cheap local bike shop and had Sandra's bike repaired for a fraction of our estimated cost. We threw away Stanley Wood's cat food which may be toxic. We bought new cat food for Stanley Wood. We did the laundry on multiple occasions. We took sandwiches to work. We discovered beer cheddar cheese at Trader Joe. Jonnie's employer asked him to throw away a shelf. Jonnie put it in the trunk of his car instead, so now we have an extra shelf in our kitchen. Sandra purchased a new salad bowl. Jonnie had a migraine. We purchased plastic containers from Big Lots. We watched the Life of Brian DVD. Sandra was given a free drink coupon at Soup Plantation. Jonnie was not given any free coupons at Soup Plantation. Sandra purchased and activated a new cell phone. Sandra made Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back her new ring tone. Sandra cooked. Jonnie washed dishes. Jonnie found a beef jerky coupon (buy one, get one free) and an ad for a Rite Aid sale in which beef jerky was on special (buy one, get one free). Jonnie brought both of these home to Sandra after a weekend library shift, then we went out to buy beef jerky immediately. Jonne bought a 40-episode Beverly Hillbillies DVD collection. Sandra bought a Bee Gees video documentary. Sandra coined the term, pulling a Jonnie which refers to impulsively purchasing something which is only marginally interesting, but exceptionally cheap; and which will most likely be enjoyed one time, then will ultimately be mailed to Boz.

Addendum - We each bought a 2GB flash drive for only $15 each. On our morning commute to work, we always see a guy with a license plate which reads, "[heart] 2 YIFF". Sandra looked up "yiffing" online and discovered it is a slang term for fucking. KROQ morning personality, Lisa May, got a double "g-shot" from a vaginal rejuvination plastic surgeon. He injected two vials of silicone under her g-spot, which raised it up quite a bit. Now it's really easy to hit. Jonnie switched to an "anti-poof" formula hair care product. We purchased a Hewlett-Packard notebook which is at least 5 times more powerful than Jonnie's old PC which he has been using since 1998.

Any questions?

German Vacation, A Full Account - Day 9

Back to America

When we woke up the next morning, our first order of business was to finish packing. One bag seemed overweight, so we brought down the scale, converted between pounds and kilos, made some adjustments, and ended up with both bags weighing in at just under their 50 lb. weight limit.

Actually, we planned to return with our bags packed to the limit, so Sandra made the 50 lbs to kilos conversion even before we left the U.S. We packed remarkably light when we left the U.S., but returned with about 99 pounds of stuff (mostly from Globus).

We congratulated ourselves on taking care of this now, rather than having to repack at the airport.

Frau Thum drove us to the Koblenz train station, then we stopped to enjoy a coffee (Sandra had chocolate milk) until it was time to head to our train platform.

While we were waiting for the train to Frankfurt, Jonnie got to see his first group of European football hooligans. As one train stopped and opened its doors, the air was filled with drunken singing, then about 30 kids came pouring out of the train, each drinking from a bottle of beer and singing all the way down the bus platform. Jonnie loves public singing, and public singing is yet another reason he loves Germany. He almost certainly would have become a Football Hooligan if he had grown up in Europe.

Our train ride went smoothly. The tracks followed the Rhine for quite some time, so we got to see more castles -


Castle Ruins.

Castle in a Lake.

Rainbow.

At the Frankfurt Airport, we learned it was 8 degrees below zero in Chicago (our destination), but the flight was not currently being re-routed. We checked in and hoped for the best.

Our flight Captain announced himself as "Capt. Kent Marburger" and Sandra flinched.

9 hours later (but after the time change, it was only 3 hours later), we arrived in Chicago. Jonnie had a blinding headache. Sandra sat foot in the American midwest for the first time and decided to try McDonalds' Shamrock Shake. Jonnie had a burrito from Burrito Beach. Then we just waited for our flight back to Orange County, California.

That flight went very smoothly. Jonnie slept pretty much straight through.

We landed successfully, then took a cab home. Tomorrow we would pick up Stanley Wood from the cat sitter.

Supplemental -

Hanni emailed a few supplemental photos last week (Danke Hanni!):

Here is the torture chamber which was closed for renovations during our tour of the castle -


Stretching machine.
Sandra also informed me about another medieval torture method: they put rats onto the bare bellies of people, put a cage over the rat and something to eat for the (starving) rat outside the cage so the rat would smell it and chew their way through the the person's guts to get at the food.

Here is proof that the castle cannons are aimed directly at Sandra's and Hanni's houses -


And here is something Jonnie did not get to see -


It's a trackless train which runs during the summer and takes tourists through Braubach and all the way up to the castle. Jonnie plans to ride that on his next visit.

Summary - Germany offers all the comforts and conveniences which can be found in America at comparable (or more affordable) prices and without the Jesus Freaks.

German Vacation, A Full Account - Day 8, Part 2

Eck-Fritz

For our final German dinner, Frau Thum treated us to oxen steaks at an eatery which has been in business since 1597. Of course there have been renovations since then. It is a place of business, not a museum. There is no inconvenient need to maintain authenticity for its own sake. I'm sure the kitchen has been upgraded a time or two; but still, this place was older than Jonnie's country.

Jonnie had wanted to visit a pre-1700 public house all week and our chance had finally come. The incredible thing is that there are so many pre-1700 establishments to choose from in Braubach. We trusted Frau Thum's judgement, which we had no reason to doubt, and she led us through the winding streets of Braubach straight to the doorstep of Eck-Fritz -


Eck-Fritz.

Established in 1597.
Frau Thum knew the cook here and he cooked an exceptional oxen steak. The pattern of German dinners getting better and better each evening had persisted throughout the entire vacation.

Eck-Fritz seemed somewhat stark and intimidating from the outside, but as soon as we stepped inside, it was a very warm and comforting place to be, just like the Germans themselves.

Jonnie loved the creaking board floors and the shelves full of ancient decorated bottles and knick-knacks which surrounded the room. He looked at them throughout the evening. It gave him something to do while everybody was speaking German. The tables and chairs had little heart-shaped holes cut in them, which was a nice touch -



Eck-Fritz Dining Furniture.

The coolest feature was the presence of faint wall-paintings all around the room. Who knows how old they were?


Classical dining scene and text.

They didn't mind sticking a stereo speaker over this one. There are plenty of others to look at. The text reads In Vino Veritas, which literally translates to Truth in Wine -


Truth in Wine.

The main roof beams were heavily ornamented as well -


Roof beams of Eck-Fritz.

Our waitress was in her late 60s, but had recently run the New York marathon. She is going back to run it again in 2010, when she is 70.

The oxen steaks were served with grilled onions and a bowl of fried potatoes. They were out of this world -


Frau Thum with oxen steak.

After dinner were the complimentary shots, then back home to pack for our flight back to the U.S. We would head to the train station the next morning.

German Vacation, A Full Account - Day 8, Part 1

Maximillian's

Day 8, our final full day in Germany, began with a visit from Hanni & Xian for breakfast - meats, cheeses, rolls (some of which contained curry wurst), coffee, and juice. There is no better way to start the day.

"Guten Morgen"!
Frau Thum also provided colored eggs, or Eier, each of which was decorated by a sticker with an Eier related pun printed on it. For example, one may say, An Ei for an Ei. (Ei is one egg, Eier is the plural - eggs). When you call an egg an Ei, it rhymes with eye as well as I, so the list of potential puns really becomes enormous -

Ei of the needle.
Ei of the hurricane.
Ei wanna rock.
The Evil Ei.
If thine Ei offend thee, cut it out.
Ei-M-C-A

Since Eier is one of the few German words which Jonnie understands perfectly, and since these slogans were physically attached to eggs; there was almost no chance that Jonnie would misunderstand these egg puns. He felt clever for the first time since he sat foot in Germany.

During this time, Jonnie was able to get a picture of Sandra's and Hanni's early years. They apparently used to strip Ken dolls naked and take turns throwing them at a target they drew above a barrel of water. Scandalous.

Other topics of discussion included our local Santa Ana Ghetto Bird and the prevalence of religious fundamentalism in the U.S. Hanni expressed some disbelief at stories she had heard about biology textbooks being banned in various U.S. states. Jonnie assured her this was not at all uncommon in the U.S. and he could offer no explanation aside from the fact that we just have a lot of Jesus freaks which politicians are always thinking they have to appease. That was another thing Jonnie really loved about Germany, the lack of Jesus freaks.

After breakfast, we went to see Hanni & Xian's new apartment which is currently being renovated. They were replacing floors and ceilings and carrying out all sorts of heavy duty construction work over there, the payoff being that they will have a beautiful two story apartment with a spacious outdoor balcony for considerably less rent per month than what we are paying for a much more modest living arrangement in California's OC.

We plan to visit their guestroom in the future.

In the afternoon, Frau Thum took us on a lovely scenic tour, which included a stop at Maximillian's, a castle-shaped brewery which contained a full-blown German beer hall.


Maximillian's.
While Jonnie sampled a couple of the local brews, Sandra opted for Malz Bier which is a non-alcoholic beer often used as a sports drink in Germany, as the carbs result in an energy boost.

America does have a couple of non-alcoholic beers, but they mimic the flavor of crappy beer while Malz Bier is delicious.


Sandra Nursing a Malz Bier.
Once they brought out the pretzels, Jonnie was feeling pretty German. I think the beer hall environment had something to do with it.


A Fully Germanized Jonnie.
Those orange lights over Jonnie's shoulder in the above photo are actually groups of beer mugs hanging from the ceiling and reflecting light. Beer mugs were hanging from the ceiling all over the place! Jonnie loved that.

When Jonnie went to the Maximillian's public restroom, the doors were not marked as Herr and Fraulein. They used different words entirely. Jonnie wasn't sure which was the men's and which was the women's, so he had to guess. He mentally tossed a coin and walked into one. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) it was the men's. He guessed correctly.

Something else worth mentioning - Maximillian's restroom had a toilet mounted halfway up the wall, at about chest level. The wall also had handles attached on each side of the toilet, so patrons can have something to hold on to while they're throwing up. haha.

On our way back home, we stopped to feed the ducks (which was quite entertaining) and then we revisited Globus one last time to pick out a flower arrangement for Granny.

Tonight, the trip would culminate with oxen steaks at an eatery which has been in business since the 1500s!